sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
