it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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