alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize