he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
