well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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