I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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