Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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