the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize