if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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