She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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