i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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