Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
