I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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