I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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