We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
