Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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