I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
