He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
