ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize