I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
