I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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