Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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