New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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