Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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