Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
