At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
