I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
