just tell him i said nine months
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
