**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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