i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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