Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
