In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
