My liver just broke up with me...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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