I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
