So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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