Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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