Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
