If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
