I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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