Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
