Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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