So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
