I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
