so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
