Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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