Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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