Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
