how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Randomize
