White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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