Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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