Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
