I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
