My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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