pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
